I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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