I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize