her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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