so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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