True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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