look no pants
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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