Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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