We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
