don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
