are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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