If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i've created a new STD.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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