I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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