Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
