He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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