Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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