Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
