I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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