Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
