I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
