I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
