My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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