Moan for me like Helen Keller
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
