You really coming over, don't trick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
