I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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