You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
