I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
