I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
