mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
