Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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