capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
