then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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