I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
