Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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