Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
