let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
