i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
