I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
