Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize