During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
