In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my being single is dangerous.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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