Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
