Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
