Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
