im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
