my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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