Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
