Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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