it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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