4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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