I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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