he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
