Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
