Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
