i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i barfeds in our rink
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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