Im at strip club and am horny
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
