my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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